Scared Stupid

Last night when I got home from a store meeting for my second job, I was starving and I craved a little bit of everything. I had a healthy dinner planned - taco salad from the 93% lean ground beef I had made in the afternoon. But I ate that and was still hungry. So I had a serving of the leftover mac & cheese in the fridge. Still hungry. And as I was sitting on the couch watching Elf, I wanted to be Buddy the Elf... I wanted syrup on my pancakes. And candy by the handful. I haven't been craving sugar. But watching all the sweet goodness, I wanted it all and I wanted it now.

So I decided I would give in - just a little. I would have a tablespoon of the dark chocolate peanut butter I had carefully hidden in the back of the pantry. But rather than use my measuring spoon, I used a regular spoon. And one bite quickly led to me eating it out of the jar with a spoon (Gross, I know. But this blog is all about full-disclosure!). After a minute, I realized how awful that was so I put the jar away and returned to my movie. But the sweets had me wanting something salty. So I finished the movie munching on some blue corn tortilla chips.

Where did this come from and why?! I was in a great mood when I got back from the meeting, so it wasn't emotional eating. It wasn't that I was having a sugar craving, because I went from cheesy to sweet to salty - and could have easily just kept going. I peeked at the scale this morning to see a much-deserved gain from Saturday morning's weigh in at 143.2, but I sighed in relief as I realized I have until this coming Saturday to make up for my night of mindless eating. But in order to correct the problem, I need to admit that it was such and then figure out why I let it happen in the first place.

And this morning, I remembered texting Nicole over the weekend about being so close to goal. I admitted something that will sound strange to most people: I'm scared of being so close to goal. Shouldn't I be celebrating that in 3.2 pounds I will go from weight loss mode to maintenance mode? Shouldn't it excite me to be so close and know that I could potentially reach this in the next couple weeks? Why do I get anxious at the idea instead?

It's unfamiliar.

I've been struggling with weight loss since finishing my undergrad degree in 2007. I started WW the summer after I stepped on the scale and saw 180.0. In six months, I was at 145 - close to goal - and I stopped. I hung out with friends and went out for drinks when I knew I should have been at the gym. I chose to bake (and eat) lots of cookies instead of the salads I had gotten used to. And before I knew it, I was back to 170. I haven't been below 145 since then. This is new territory.

Reaching goal means my WW goes into maintenance mode. I get more points... I've never been given more than 29 daily points a day. (Granted, I have eaten way beyond my daily and weekly points. But it's never been the recommendation!) The freedom, the extra points, it makes me nervous. I've been in weight loss mode for so many years that the change makes me a little anxious. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm afraid the temptation to use those extra points on less healthy foods will get to me.

I refuse to let fear of the new phase of life and this weight loss journey get me down though. It is exciting! I am in better shape now than I think I've ever been in (read: not as skinny as I was in high school, but with stronger muscles and better endurance for physical activity). And I feel pretty (most days - especially when I take the time to do my hair and/or makeup). I refuse to be scared of maintenance, because I know that will lead me to making stupid decisions of what I eat; and I will not sabotage myself again - especially this close to goal! So today I'm drinking lots of tea and sticking to my daily points, working out with Ryan after work if job2 doesn't use my shift tonight, and I'm going after goal with a vengeance!