A Question of Motivation

My son turns one on Saturday and this week has been crazy stress for me. I'm not having a huge party, just a few close friends, but I feel pressure to make his party as "great" as my daughter's first. Except I have to make the cake myself! 

 

I wanted to do a tie-dye cake, so I did a test run on Monday. From that cake, I planned to make cake balls. 

The party is a space/alien/astronaut theme, so my cake will be a round cake with a few cake balls for eyes!  

However, Tuesday was the seven year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. She was one of the most influential women in my life and losing her was horrible. No kids napped and I was just completely overwhelmed. 

 

And in that moment, I took a cake ball and jammed the whole thing in my mouth.

Yipes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not upset because I ate sugar. I've allowed myself to have some treats now and again, no big deal. 

What upsets me is that after twelve weeks of battling my sugar addiction, I really thought that in the moment, in THAT moment of stress, anxiety, overwhelmed-ness -- I really thought I had a handle on the emotional side of the addiction.  When I eat sugar now, it's a choice. It's me saying "Hey, this is sugar, and I know it, and I choose to eat this" OR, "this isn't worth eating today!"   But in a single moment, I jammed the whole cake ball in my mouth, I don't even know if I chewed it. And it was gone. 

We recently talked in my parents' group at chuch about alcohol. The conversation struck me as similar to yesterday. The whole root of the issue is motivation.  Do I drink alcohol to get drunk or because I enjoy the taste of wine?  Same thing for me with sugar - did I eat that because I wanted to eat a treat or did I eat it out of depression, anxiety, etc?  Obviously my motivation was wrong. THAT is the upsetting part for me - I don't have a handle on it!  Hubby pointed out that my biggest sugar love has ALWAYS been cake (hello, Cake Day!) and it's absurd to think that I can be alone with a ton of cake (I did make a lot!) without a little slip. 

"Did you eat a cake ball?" "yes" 

"Did you eat ONE cake ball?" "... yes"  

"Did you stop after one?" "yes" 

"Would you have 4 months ago?" 

THERE is the good news. I DID! I stopped after that one cake ball!

So I move onward. Today when the going got tough, the tough (me) ate bacon. :-)  Today was a new (but still pretty bad) day and I avoided sugar today. Back to the detox tea and kettle chips! 

Tomorrow, Pilates!!