Crossroads.

I've been sitting here, staring at a blank screen for about a half an hour. I'm researching, reading and thinking through my next steps. 

I've completed a Whole30.  When it was over, I fell off the wagon.  No, I take that back, I swan dove off the sucker.  We left for vacation and never looked back.  I spent a month with little restriction (although I will say, we aren't usually very far from at least a "clean" eating plan) and gained back all of my weight, felt awful, etc. 

So I started another Whole30 (intending to do a "Whole14") last Friday.  Today is Day 5. I'm feeling good, but my anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF. Not sure if it's W30 related or just life in general.  I had no headaches, I'm getting stuffy again (my whole family got horrible colds about week 2 last time), but I'm having no lightheadedness this time. 

But that brings me to my food today.  Eggs with bacon mixed in, avocado and coffee.  Lunch (was STARVING - had a 570 cal burn workout then took the kids swimming!) 1/2 spaghetti squash with homemade marinara & meatballs, salad with olives and Tessamae's balsamic dressing and a bowl of applesauce with cinnamon.  I made "ice cream" for my kids - frozen watermelon, coconut water and a touch of coconut milk for creaminess. (NOTE: THIS IS NOT WHOLE30 COMPLIANT, even if the ingredients are. It's SWYPO!)  I had some - you know why? Because I'm slowly realizing, I need to learn to live within my guidelines. Maybe finding an amazing delicious summer treat (that isn't "real" ice cream) will help me stop feeling "left out" of all the occasions that there is REAL ice cream.  

I was faced again with one of these situations at dinner. I went to get my co-op produce and left hubby and kids to make dinner. They put together a DELICIOUS chicken salad. My almost-6 year old made most of the salad herself - peeling carrots and shredding them, putting cheese on them and adding olives. When I walked in, she stopped me at the door and, with the saddest eyes ever, said "Mommy -- I accidentally put cheese on your salad."   Now I had two options - 1) try to pick all the shredded cheese off the salad to "preserve" my Whole30 (which would have broken my daughter's heart) or 2) Go with it knowing that I do NOT react to dairy (thank you, first Whole30). I chose #2. Because you know what, sometimes, food will have ingredients that I don't know about. Sometimes I will choose to eat "non compliant" food. Sometimes I will WANT to eat non compliant food. 

So I will continue to eat "Whole30" but I will use the remainder of my 2 weeks to keep my eyes open for opportunities for moderation.  Some accidental cheese, a paleo treat with my kids... 

I just can't continue the cycle I'm on - Whole30, junky eating, Whole30, etc. I don't believe it was intended to be used this way and I want to try to get to the root of my eating issues. I'm hoping to be more MENTALLY aware this time than I was last time. 

Sorry if a lot of this post is rambling - I really don't know where I stand or what my plan is going forward, but getting it "on paper" will really help me!