Confession.

That should read "confession." 

Because I've realized that the only person putting pressure on myself to complete a Whole30 - is me. 

I stopped my Whole30 last week. Friday, to be exact. It was a hard week. A REALLY hard week. And all I wanted was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (sidebar: for our family, that is sprouted grain bread, peanuts-only peanut butter and jelly with no added sugar.) But nothing in that is "Whole30" approved. So instead, I would wander around the house, wringing my hands trying to find something that was "acceptable" to eat. Some days, I was hitting 800 calories eaten (not counting the calories I expended through exercise.)  And it hit me. A pb&j at our house isn't an "unhealthy" meal and yet it was STILL not ok on Whole30. And I don't understand that. Maybe it's my emotions this week, but maybe, just maybe, I need to start rethinking why I am doing this. 

This time in particular, I feel very disordered in my thinking. I "quit" my Whole30 on Friday, yet almost all of my meals have been compliant since, with very few exceptions. I ran 10 miles on Sunday with Sara and had a minor panic attack when faced with eating a Jimmy Dean egg white/turkey sausage english muffin in the 15 minutes I had to eat before church. The thought of eating the English muffin scared me. I had half (I gave Little Guy the top muffin). I am easing back into grains, it's getting easier, but it bothered me how much different my experience was this time than last.  

I just saw this article on FB. It spoke to me, volumes.  I am still struggling with what "healthy" eating means to me. Like the author of this article, I don't have allergies or intolerances to any particular food or food group.  I don't have an autoimmune disease that will benefit from a paleo lifestyle. And I do have extreme guilt and shame about my food choices when I "break the rules." For now, Whole30 is going on the back burner and I'm working on my mental health. 

I may revisit a Whole30 - maybe during a less emotional/stressful time in my life. It IS a good process and it does have a ton of benefits, but for me, right now in my life - I just need to refocus and get my head right first. 

So I won't apologize - like I said, I have realized the only person I have disappointed is myself (I don't quit things!). And if you're considering a Whole30 - do it. Because you never know how you will do until you try it. Don't let my experience discourage you. My first Whole30 was awesome and someday - I will succeed again! 

Tomorrow  - stats from Sunday's 10 miler!